Secwepemc Strong

The Ancestry genealogy test came back and…

I am disappointed.

I had hoped I was closer to 50% Indigenous. With the results I got, everything feels pointless. I am white-passing, that is harmful enough, but knowing with 100% certainty that I am predominately Caucasian? Ouch. I feel like I am intruding upon a culture that isn’t really mine. I am no better than the asshole psychology teacher at TRU that thinks he can get away with his bullshit because he has some distant Cherokee grandmother or something of that business. I am no better than the white savior trope of those old movies like Dances with Wolves. It hurts. I am status and I grew up learning Secwépemc culture, but how can I truly belong if I am less than 1/3 native, only 14% Secwépemc and 16% St’at’imc? I feel like an imposter.

I spoke with my boyfriend about it this morning when I got the news and he tried his best to comfort me but I know it will take me a long time to get over this. I knew something like this might happen and I tried to prepare myself for the disappointment, but I had still hoped and hoped and hoped that it wouldn’t be true.

I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if therapy will even help because, really, there will always be that little bit of negative in the back of my mind. I am status and my kids will have status too, but it hurts because my unfathomably long line of ancestors will die off, possibly within my lifetime, and that will be the end. There is no legacy to pass on.

That is all. Putucwíye.

I took a DNA test back in the beginning of May, I expect my results will be available in the next week or two. As of the 25th, they are extracting my DNA. They expect my results will be ready by about June 16th, which I am very much looking forward to.

For now, I can provide what I expect my results to be. I can really only expect 50% Indigenous or less due to both of my grandfathers being Caucasian. I know I am Secwépemc and St’át’imc for the First Nations parts of my genetic makeup and I can expect to be about 25% or less German. There will likely be some British and Irish genes. I was speaking to my counselor a bit ago and I told her that I was going to take a test, she said to expect a small percentage of Chinese genes due to the extensive interactions that took place between the rail road workers and the Indigenous peoples of the land the tracks cut through.

I can’t think of much else. Obviously, there will be some small, almost negligible, percentages of races I cannot possibly have opportunities to explore.

The one thing I am most concerned of is how large the First Nations percentage is going to be. I am a status native, I think a 6(1) designation due to that fact that both my parents are status (the fact they are 6(2) designation doesn’t matter because a child of 2 status parents, regardless of their designation, will have 6(1) status). Due to my status, my percentage doesn’t necessarily matter because my card proves my Indian-ness (a status I will pass down to my children, regardless of my partner. Whether my partner is status or not will effect their designation, but at least they will still be status), but I still am scared because…. just because. I am very white-passing, this hurts my pride because I can never truly feel at home when practicing my culture or speaking my language with my light skin because I worry people will just think I am a delusional whitey. Perhaps I am, I am writing a god damn blog, how pathetic.

(I wonder how many times I said the word “expect”.)